[M] and all the dreams youre (1/1)

«Chapter Five» In my world, my mom was blindedly in love with my dad and my dad was blindedly in love with her. In my world, they loved each other dearly, nothing could separate them even the threat of death, even cancer. "I knew it, Yoojin. Don't you dare deny it!"his voice was hushed as he placed me down our huge sofa. "I don't know anything about that ridiculous accusation of yours, Woohyun. "hers was hissing. I kept my eyes closed, I kept them tight and close. I am afraid, afraid that if I open them, I will step out of my world. In my world, pain could not enter."And you are using, Sandara, our own daughter to cover your immorality."His voice was rising. "Don't you dare talk about immorality with me, Woohyun!"hers too, followed by the angry clacking of her heels as she walked away from him. He followed, I know, his loud steps said so. In my world, my mom blindedly love my dad. "We're far from over, Yoojin!"he yanked her arms, the steps, the clacking they stopped. There was silence, long and cold, bearing the whole weight of the world. In the silence, my mother's sobs were born, made of pain and guilt. I imagined her, burying her face on her palms. "When did love became immoral? I love him! Why can't you understand that!?" another silence, where the crashing of his heart was heard the most. "You are my wife, Yoojin. You are mine to keep..." his voice almost inaudible, the pain louder than his words. "I love you. Why can't you understand that?"In my world, my dad blindedly love my mom.  "I can't, I have long gave Hyunsuk my heart." her heels clacked anew, calmer, colder, away from the family she was supposed to love the most. Away from me and dad. In  my world, my family loved each other so much. We were happy.  In my world. Where is my world? "My mom is a bitch."my arms were spread like eagle's wings, I spun and looked at him. His beauty glowed beneath the dancing lights of the night street of Busan, his hands kept inside his pullover's pocket, his posture poor. He looked at me. neither shock nor judging, he was just looking, like my thin body and my pale skin were worth looking at. "But of course, you can't say that.One, because she's dead and two she's my mother and three, because I love her."I understand my dad. I do. He deserved to move on from a dead wife who did nothing but cheat openly to him. She never loved him in all those years that he had been patient, understanding and loving while she did nothing but made him feel the mistake was all his. It was mine. It was all mine. "She was a bitch."I was silent for a moment, before smiling to him. "I hate her." I spun around and heaved a deep sigh. I have wanted to say those words for the longest time. I kept it in my chest for almost eternity, watched how it bloomed, riped and rot. I stared at the almost empty street of Busan ahead of me. I feel shit, the lethal combination of cancer and memories was kicking in full blast, out to set me on fire and kill me oh so slowly.In my world, pain is not allowed.  I was caught off guard when I felt his arms around me, his body pressing on my back, his chin resting on my shoulder. "It's over now, Sandara. Let go of them and let them flow with the wind somewhere, where they couldn't even hurt the strand of your hair. Let them go and forget them, the memories that you and I will fill the spaces they will leave." I closed my eyes, let myself drown at his words, in his promises. They sounded too good, too beautiful yet too fragile. In my hands, they felt like they will break. I was afraid. Pulling myself away from him, I faced him. "How?" my voice weak as his stares burned me to shame. He gently held my hand and pulled me somewhere. He pulled me to the baywalk, the sands on the path said so, the singing of the waves told me so. The night sea breeze, double humid than it was during day. I watched him bent down, picking up the fallen confetti of elms, gathering it with such care in his palms. "They are your memories, “he handed me all of it. I stared at the confettiin my hands. They were too beautiful to represent my memories. Jiyong gently closed my palms, the confetti crashed inside. "Hold them tight and close, say your last farewells, because you're letting them go."I nodded to him, shamelessly looked at his eyes for strength. I closed my eyes, my hands close to my chest. Pain,I have let you stay long enough. Opening my palms I blew the confetti’s to the sea, taken by the wind. I watched them floated away from me. I shattered my world, brought it to pieces. I stared at him, his eyes on the swallowing waves, his hair on a graceful dance. I admired the beauty of his contures. He was beautiful, it was heartbreaking. Slowly, he looked at me. I blinked in disbelief at the goofy smile splitting his face. "Welcome to Earth, Park Sandara." his words they were smiling as well that I chuckled. I gapped the distance between us, tiptoed and pressed my lips with his. Soft and warm, sweet and maddening. My world has flew with the cold breeze.It was shattered and was built anew with a kiss. xxx Six in the morning.I opened my eyes, forcibly, almost painfully. The pounding in my head was low compare to before. I looked at the empty space beside me. I was breathless for a moment, sinking further in self loathe for even allowing myself to feel such thing. The door opened, he stepped inside with a tray on his hands and a small smile curved in my lips which I bit hard. What's happening to me? "Good morning." he sat next to me, the mattress sinking beneath him, the tray on his lap, he kissed my forehead long and sweet, like it have meaning. It felt like it lasted so long, bringing shame on forever. What is forever? I stared at him blankly, words  swimming in a pandemonium waiting to explode. "It's okay, it's okay to feel, Sandara. We will take it slow." Slow? How slow? I don't have time. I refused to answer him, I refused to dwell myself further in his play of words, the way he pronounced it and how it sounded so heavenly in his lips. I sighed, staring at the tray where breakfast was served together with unfamiliar—of different colors and sizes—medicines. I hate medicines. "Sandara—,""I'm hungry." I ended the conversation before it even started. It was ridiculous anyways. Our eyes were locked on each other, and I was left speechless out of admiration. His beauty knew no bounds. After almost minute, he nodded and we ate breakfast. Slow and leisurely, like the time that was slipping off my hands, running away from me, stop  to take a nap and gave us time to play with romance. Placing the tray on the bedside table, after forcing myself to drink the medication, which felt the beginning of him trying to cure or slow my death. I stood up, off the protection of comforters, off the comfort of the bed. I gathered my hair on a bun, my skinny body exposed for him to see. Bare. Naked. Shameless. I like how I could stand naked in front of him and felt as if I am the sexiest woman alive. I turned to look at him, he was staring. His eyes dark and intent like he desired my undesirable skinny body."You are so beautiful, Sandara." his words free of lust, said with worshipping and admiration. "I am thin."I shrugged, he nodded. "Love sees but doesn't mind." My breath was knocked off my chest. I thought I heard him wrong. "In the end, we will all die, the earth will fall. This day, yesterday and all our memories soon no one will remember it. The world doesn't give enough miracles and the path to walk to was thorned. I will be hurt and you will be, but I will use this body to protect you, till I breathe my last breath, till my last blood drops. We both can't escape the reality, but this I will never deny to you. I am so in love with you, Sandara." I was breathless. I was crying because I wanted to return his words but I was held by the death standing behind me, slowly sinking its fangs to me, drinking my life out of me. He stood off the bed and pulled me to him, I cried my face buried on the crook of his neck. "I'm in love with you..." he kissed my hair and I nodded to him. I love you, why can't you understand that? xxx I walked out of the bathroom after almost an hour of partly taking a bath and partly talking my cancer down. In the end, he won the predetermined battle. I could still feel him mocking in my head. "I missed you too, so much."I halted my steps, froze on my spot. I stared at his back, sitting on the couch, facing the window, his Galaxy Note pressing on his ears. His voice was calmer, tamed if you asked me and it made me wonder so much of who he could have been talking to. "Okay, let's see what I got, hmmmm..." there was a bit if a long pause. He took a deep breath, too audible that I could hear him. Was he that nervous? Who was he talking to in the first place? "You've got ghosts/ Crawling under your skin," he was reciting a poem?"I can feel them/ When I hold you tight," Oh, god. His voice, his tone, the words, I have discovered a side of him so fragile and sensitive."Trying to beat out of you/Like a runaway heart/You've got ghosts/And you are paper-thin," I could listen to him for eternity, wake and sleep in his words. "And I have stayed/Up all night, wondering/If you know they can/Touch me too*" When will he stop amazing me?One step, two steps. I stood overlooking the cliff. The oceans calm below, the wind wildly surging. I'll fall, don't fall.  "She is amazing, beautiful, smart and adorably weird. In beautiful glimmering pieces, a glass figurine beautified with cracks." I don't know if it was me or him, but he was really weird. So fascinatingly young and weird. "Oh, she’s thirty. No, she's not too old." I frowned at what I was hearing. It just numbers. Who am I fooling, I hate those fucking 8 years."I love her. I do." He should not. It was wrong."Bye, I love too, mom." Then, he hunged up. I realized, I had been open to him but then I don't know anything about him. He was Dr. Kwon Jiyong. He's a doctor at the age of 22, a magna cum laude of Seoul University. I know so little about him. Too little. "You should read me poems sometimes," I opened one of our paper bags and started getting dress. I wrote a classic, neatly cut long sleeves dress. He stood up and back hugged me. He buried his face at my freshly dried hair, inhaling my scent deeply. "We need to take a plane," I turned to look at him. " We should have in the first place." He cupped my face, held it firm and gently in his hands. Without a word, he claimed my lips, his lips wild against mine. Demanding and in haste. I was too distracted in responding to his lips. I liked this. His tongue was inside my mouth without me knowing. I clung desperately to him as he drank me and breathed all of me. I pulled away from him. I need to breathe, I can't get the technique o. how to breathe when your lips were too busy, your mouth occupied. I don't want to stop but I need to breathed. I gasped loud, head tilting upward, his lips pressed on my neck. I felt my back against the wall. Adrenaline burned my veins, one of my legs raised, his hand lifting my thigh, wrapping it around his waist. "What a shame/To convince these flames/ They are  only sparks;" I love his words, his tone and his lips saying it while kissing my skin. He lifted my skirt up, my wholeness exposed for him to see, trembling for his possession. I opened my heavy lids as he steadied my face to look at him, straight to his intent gaze. "What a misfortune/To say this fire/Is a flame." I felt hit, my head throbbing but I left it ignored. I don't know the next thing that happened, there were too much going on at the same time. I gasped, moaned at his intrusion. "You,/Have always been/Gasoline./Stop pretending," I gasped, keeping my eyes into his, focusing on his words together with this divine sensation. "I/Haven't always been/The match.**" he grunted and I bury my face to his shoulder, breathing heavily. This spark was a flame, this flame was a fire.One step, two steps, hold your heart, keep your ground, don't fall to the cliff. I'll fall, don't fall.  xxx Flight JKL568, Seoul Airlines, Domestic flight, Busan, South Korea to Seoul, South KoreaThe afternoon sun was bright, he sleeps next to me, his head on my shoulder. I smiled at his hair of funky cotton candy color. I stared at his defined feature. He was so young, he looked so fragile and innocent. I am sorry to drag him into this. Pick me as the guy to fall in love with...Oh Jiyong, if the world was nicer, I will.I will. xxx We stood in front of my apartment unit, not saying anything, just staring at each other. I am clueless on how to forget him, there were too much too remember in a little time that we had been together. Wanting something that is not in your presence and you can never have... I sighed and fumbled with my keys, I opened the door of my apartment. I turned to look at him upon the clicking sound of my door. He handed me the paper bags and I just looked at them. "Keep them, or throw them." His forehead creased. I gently brought my hand over his face and waved the fingers to the side, like I was casting a magic spell. Ridiculous, childish even and pathetic that I actually believed and hope that this will be enough. Please let this spell be enough. "There, it's gone." my voice was hitching. He kept his gaze at me. Why does he always makes me feel weak?"The memories, the nights. Park Sandara is gone in your life." I was sobbing when I felt his arms pulling me to him. He kissed my temple. "I am in love with you," I shook my head incredulously. "You shouldn't be." "I will die, Jiyong...""Everyone will, I will die too..""You... I don't want you to hope that, we will have a forever to live.""Dara, I can give you forever in a day, months or even minutes." he cupped my face, wiping my tears. "But you have to let me, okay? Dara, I am here... please, trust me." I started another round of sobs. Oh, god. What will I do? I don't want him to be stuck with me. He was young, he could have chose someone younger, more beautiful, someone whose not being slowly rob of sanity, and life. His phone started ringing, blasting song of G-Dragon's latest single. "Damn," he hissed. "Listen," he wiped my tears away. "I will be back here, I'll fix the schedule of your chemo." he kissed me long and sweet, brimming with sincerity. One step, two steps, on last step and you'll fall deep. I'll fall, don't fall. xxx Pain. My head was drilling with pain. Too much pain.I clutched my head, coiling myself into a tight ball. The pain was excruciating. I screamed, gasping for air. Stop, make it stop! My fingers dig deep in my arms, I dragged them, red swollen lines left as a trail. Just kill me! Just kill me. Woohyun, kill me. Just kill me, I can't do this anymore. Kill me!! There was pounding on my door. "Dara!! Dara, are you okay!?" it was Minji, one of the tenants. I screamed more. Please, just stop. I grabbed my hair, pulling it. Trying to fight pain with pain. There was pounding in the door, pounding in my head. Why can't I just die? xxx I woke at the sound of an ecg, in the bright lights of the hospital room. My vision was blurry. I am alone, nothing new. The door opened revealing my father still in his sleeping attire, next to him was Eunjo. I closed my eyes and hoped this was just another dream, an illusion created by my cancer. "Sandara," his voice falter in great pain. He sat next to me, sinking the mattress underneath him. he held my hands and with tears he began to sing, "Pain, pain go away. Come again another day..." He kissed my hand. "My lovely Dara wants to play..." his hand ran on my hair. "Pain, pain go away." I hate myself. I hate my cancer.I hate the pain in his eyes. I held his hand tight and cried in his arms. "I'm so sorry, I'm really, really sorry." He shook his head, kissed my hair. "No, it's not your fault, no need to be sorry, baby." I was the alpha and omega of my parents' suffering. Why do I keep on hurting everyone? Stop, just stop. xxx I hate my room. It was gloomy and sad, so despite their great disapproval, I insisted to get out. I walked and roamed over the hospital, I wondered if anyone ever admire the architectural design of hospitals. These hospital was beautiful and huge, the design was modern and efficient. You'll never get lost. I know, I meant to roam but my feet dragged me to his office. I wonder if he knew I was here. Maybe, he was my doctor after all. I stood in front of his wooden door, contemplating if I should knock or what. I raised my hand and  was about to land a knock when I heard something."Now, that the DNA Results proved that you are my son, I want you to start using my name." I blinked and thought I should go but I can't move. "President Choi, I'm sorry, biologically I am your son but in reality, you're not a father to me." his voice was thrice colder, his words sharper. He wasn't just resentful, it was pain and hatred. "Son, son, you are one of the most brilliant doctors today, you are considered genius, the doctor of infinite potential. Using my name, you'll get double praises, more credits, access to almost anything. You are a great honor to the family, to the name of Chois."Jiyong laughed, mocking and cold, deeply hurt. "Thanks, but no thanks. My father had long died but compare to him you are more rotten. Please, leave now, president Choi." there was long silence before the old guy heaved an audible sigh. "You need time. I see, very well then, I'll be leaving now." I was too numb listening that I wasn't able to move away from the door. President Choi opened the door and I fell, my butt landing with a loud thud on the floor. Our eyes met. ---«author's note»★poem credits: first poem came from kpk [towritepoens.tumblr.com] // second poem came from tyler knott gregson [tylerknott.com]★i can't write poems, i suck on it haha.★sorry for the errors i typed this using my android phone, thanks kingston app haha.